Life in the eyes of Mr. Lex.A.S

lolhall:

Yep that’s me! *tear*

So I am a college drop out.  I dropped out two, almost three years ago when I was basically failing yet another course…and got frustrated from wasting my money.  In the meantime, after working three years at a call center and getting plenty of experience working with the public, meeting different people, and commuting via transit, I was able to get a decent job that I actually really like in my desired field.  It’s actually pretty impressive, considering that I beat 60 other applicants and I couldn’t even get an associates degree. However, I knew my stuff when it came onto transportation related stuff (as it was a hobby) and apparently that made me a shoo-in for the job. And I’m still here almost 4 years later and didn’t disappoint my bosses yet!

Yet…now, this year, in 2012, at least four of my friends are graduating from college.  This is in addition to a significant number of my other friends, particularly those I went to school with, that graduated in my planned graduation year, 2008. And just like in 2008, I feel terrible, like an epic failure.

I would love to get a degree, but I truly don’t think I can do it.  I cringe and shudder at the amounts of papers people have to write, then trying to focus through classes where the professor doesn’t meet my needs.  I’ve had a couple of decent professors in my classes, and I was genuinely in tune with what they were saying…until it was time for testing/exercises.  Then…no matter how much I paid attention or studied, I feel like I didn’t retain any information except for the somewhat off topic concepts that we discussed during class.

Of course, those aren’t on the test…they never are.  So I panic…every time…and ended up wasting hundreds of dollars while my GPA just continued to tank.

When I graduated high school, I went to a school that was less than stellar for me.  It was isolated in the middle of nowhere, and barely had a campus life as the majority of students lived “in Philly” so they just went there for entertainment.  It would be perfect for study…if it had the right programs.

As I was given a full scholarship to this school (wow, I was smart!) my family essentially decided that this was the school for me to go to.  I actually didn’t even set foot on campus until the first day of the summer classes, where they help us honors students adapt to college before college actually started.  I did quite well that summer, and got A’s in both classes I took.

Once “real college” started, everything tanked.  When I finally figured out what I wanted to do…the college didn’t have that available.  When I tried to talk to the adviser to see if there was anything I could take that could lead me to the 3 potential careers that I desired - photography, music, and transportation, the adviser told me to look through the program and find something else I liked, and then we could talk.

It was then I knew the school wasn’t the right fit for me at all. A nervous breakdown later, I finally dropped out of the school and entered the workforce, getting my job at the call center.

I tried several times to go back to school, taking the necessary prerequisites for a degree. English 2 and I didn’t work together so well…and after the 2^nd or 3^rd time of not passing they apparently don’t allow you to take the course again. Then came Graphic Design…which was nice, although I think the info went in one ear and out the other…and then my grandfather passing was a nice distraction and way out. Finally, when my current job and career in transportation found me, I realized that this was the field I wanted to pursue. Online research told me that it would be good for me to take Microeconomics, where I had a GREAT teacher and we had awesome class discussions. In the first few classes I learned a bit, especially about opportunity costs and such.

Of course, the testable stuff…like learning formulas and such…didn’t work so well. Once I discovered I was on academic probation and I needed to pay back the money for the course (I made the mistake of financing the cost of the course through the school – NEVER AGAIN!) I just moved on.

So, while I am secure in my job…even survived a layoff at the company…I still worry quite a bit. How will not having a degree hinder my advancement? If I move elsewhere, which was always a dream of mine, could I ever get a job that provides similar satisfaction and salary (if not more, of course) in my field?

All this without taking into account of how much I am disappointing my family by not graduating from college…and of course, being a gay man which is completely taboo in Jamaica. What a weight to bear on my shoulders…I just don’t know how to deal with it…even wondering if I should waste time and money again to “try” to go back to school.

Sigh!

Jesse Jackson: Fighting for gay marriage akin to fighting slavery - latimes.com
http://www.latimes.com/news/nation/nationnow/la-na-nn-jesse-jackson-gay-marriage-20120510,0,4383818.story?track=rss

Guess I have to reconsider my opinion of these men!