Wishing I could go away….

I wish I could just leave these worries behind (debt, my weight [and apparently my blood pressure is a bit high…damn that health fair!], being an apparently unappealing out-of-shape homosexual man) and just go somewhere near and exciting.  Something where I can travel, explore, and not worry so much about being too heavy to hang glide or not being able to keep up with a hike over scenic vistas.

I wish I could just stop feeling the desire for love and affection from people who don’t want to share it with me…who believe I’m just not good enough. I just want to be free to see and think and do as I truly feel, instead of just enough to pay the bills…and trying to be heard in a room of people who speak but do not listen.

I want to be free to be the dreamer and artist that’s inside of me, the skilled musician who picked up instruments with such a love an admiration that I just couldn’t get enough.  The writer who loved to imagine new story lines and dreamed of writing a novel as a young teen (that didn’t quite happen).

I want to dream again without thinking and downplaying my dreams…feeling that they are impossible, and would never work.  I want to dream and truly believe…yeah, that would be nice.  Sadly, it all seems like a fantasy (I will never REALLY run as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog, right) and for some reason I fall into regret as I play the “what if” game.

What if I went to another college?  What if I kept up with music?  What if I didn’t let that guy break my heart to the point where my mind was dull, letting time and life pass me by?  What if I didn’t let myself get fat?

And a host of other things…sigh again!

What a dream it would be to just hop on the train and go away….but of course those things cost money and I don’t quite have a lot of it these days… :-\

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